I used to head out of town and into the forest in order to escape. To be alone. To be away from all I had been dealing with throughout the week. I needed to breathe. Just to have a time when I did not need to make decisions. I did not need to spend my energy on making someone else happy or to hear the complaints of those who are never happy. Alone is where I find peace. I needed that break from Society in order to continue life next week, starting over fresh with a clean heart and renewed mind.

In the last several months, I have been dealing with being alone more than I have ever dealt with it in life. I have spent years escaping people, perfect my Overlanding hobby where I can get away from anyone and everyone and just be one with nature. A co-worker would often ask me…”when you post on Social Media about your trips, why do you always say that the best part was that you never saw another person?” I emphatically would proclaim to her, “Because that is the best part!”

Now life is different. I am entering a chapter in life of personal change where two people decide that being together is not in their best interest. Parting ways requires something deep, and personally, I have never had to deal with this before. Earlier when I would head out into the woods, I always knew I was coming home to someone. Someone I could share my experiences with, someone I could share life with, someone to talk and listen to and just be with. Now that person is not there. I come home to an empty house. I come home to silence and solitude. No kids. No wife. No dog. Just the walls around me that seem to be constantly closing in each day. This is what I escape to. Now, the tides have turned and now has become what I want to escape from, for I have never been alone at home.

The emotions I have felt lately are not new. Many out there have experienced what I am going through. I have contacted many friends (even female friends) to ask advice and to seek counseling. Many have good ideas, most saying that “it’ll get better with time…” but the statement rings true that “Nobody really knows what you’re going through but you.” That is so true today for me. The variables of those I seek counsel from are all different. Some have kids at home, in fact most do. Therefore, their homes are never empty, silent or boring. There are those who have dealt with this for many years and love the freedom of not being tied down by a life partner. There are those who have entered the dating scene and have told me to avoid, as there are “crazy people out there.” They know what career path I have chosen. They know I know all about crazy people. I would rather be alone that have to deal with another crazy person.

But I digress…

These are the thoughts of someone who has time on their hands. Sitting around the table eating dinner alone is not quite the same as sitting around the campfire enjoying a peaceful night alone. Watching a move by yourself and sitting out among the stars listening to the evening crickets beg for rain are not even close to being the same. One is a transition of life and the other is a lifestyle.

I came across a MEME this week on Social Media that stated the following…

I used to think I was introverted because

I really liked being alone, but it turns out

that I just like being at peace, and I

am very extroverted around

people who bring me

Peace.

That rings true on so many levels. I love being with others and spending time with others. I love meeting friends for dinner and to camp. I love sitting around a campfire sharing life with friends. But not just anyone. These people must be handpicked by me. You see, everyone has the power to make someone else happy and have peace. Some do it by entering the room, while some do it by leaving. Some people get you all stirred up. Some people love drama and spreading rumors. Some pretend to be your friend, then tell others things about you because they want to see how they will react and the trouble it will cause. These are not my people. I would rather be alone than share one minute with them. That is how I choose to live my life because it is best for me.

I am realizing that some of those I have received counsel from are getting more and more right with each day. Every day I spend alone gets better. I am learning to be okay with being by myself. I have my house the way I want it and everything has its place. It is nice and neat, decorated well, with all of the dishes and laundry done each day. I am no there much, but I now have a routine. I am used to it and it is okay. I do work a lot so I am no there much, but when I am I am constantly finding things to do, gear to organize, spaces to clean out and other ways to keep myself busy and not sit around and overthink life.

I have made new friends each week. Working in a school, most of my friends are females and we talk and text often. I have great friends who look out for me and check on me, and that makes me feel loved, accepted and wanted. I do have that yearning to be wanted. That may get better with time. I am not sure, but we will see.